I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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