just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
