My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
