why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
