I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
