some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
