Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
