Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
