Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
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We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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