last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
