I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
