Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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