There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
