Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
