Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
