So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
