I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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