You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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