I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
