why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
