I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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