My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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