Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
