FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
