I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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