Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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