is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
