1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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