My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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