you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
