not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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