My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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