I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
