Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
