just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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