dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
