I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
