The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Randomize
