phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
