my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
