First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
