In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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