So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize