i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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