Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
