The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
