The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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