Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
