My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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