headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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