i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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