I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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