Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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