it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
