I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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