why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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