wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
