its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There's always time for handjobs
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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