I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
