They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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