I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
